current road conditions

I am in Colorado and loving it! Waking up to the mountians each morning. Exploring the area. Continually learning a new job and facing new challenges. Meeting new people. Enjoying older friendships. This jounrey has begun and is still far from over.

.........jump..........

looking to say good-bye and waiting to say hello.

Colorado.....less than 3 weeks.

the great unknown.

new adventures.

living life.

fresh.

real.

now.

me.

Become -- The Goo Goo Dolls

This is an all time personal favorite song. Enjoy.

There's so much more about you that you never let them see

You turn away

But not to me

And I know how they tried to take you

Held you up and meant to break you down

But you can't be

For so long I tried to reach you

I know I'm almost there

I'm close enough for you to see

You've been hiding in the shadows

Have you forgotten how we used to dream

Let me remind you

The light doesn't blind you at all

It just helps you see

Can you see

Yeah you have become

Yeah you have become beautiful

And I can't be the stranger

That's been sleeping in your bed just

Turn around and come to me

I feel all the pain inside

And everything you been denied you feel

It's all you feel

You've been hiding in the shadows

Have you forgotten how we used to dream

Let me remind you

The light doesn't blind you at all

It helps you see

Can you see

Yeah you have become

Yeah you have become beautiful

Yeah you have become

Yeah you have become beautiful

Brush back your hair and look around you

Feeling like the truth has found you here

You're here with me

Let love become the mirror

With no fear where you're from

You have become beautiful

hope....

What is hope? Do you ever wonder exactly what it is? Ever wonder why we have urges to have hope in something? Ever wonder why we lose hope? A lot has happened in my life in the last few weeks such as losing a friend, job stress, lack of trust in a loved one, uncertainty about the future. At times i felt like i was suffocating. Other times i felt like there was no way out or around the obstacle. At times i even had to question God. I went to a funeral last Friday and in the midst of grieving i found hope. It had long been ignored and snuffed out. It was a hope that had long been forgotten. It was my hope in God, creator of all life. Christ is my hope. Hope led to the issue of trust and I realized that I am in need. In need of a Savior. I have been trying to do things on my own and have over time become calloused to the love of Christ for me. I don't understand life. I can't control certain things nor am I always responsible for other peoples choices. The hope of Christ runs deep into my soul. Trusting in Christ goes even further. Both are bigger than me. I can barely wrap my head around all this. But I have decided that is comes down to this: Am I am going to place my trust and hope in Christ? Yes or no. Only I can decide.

there are no answers...

there are no real answers nor reasons for life or death. why do some people live and others die at unexpected times or at young ages? why are the stupid people who do dumb ass things still living but those who are aspiring in life suddenly pass away and leave you struggling with questions? what the hell?


glen mercer.....

all i want.....

i just want to be loved. i just want things to work out. i just want to scream. i just want to cry. i just want to run away. i just want to have some fun. i just want to be healed. i just want to see the point that i missed. i just want to be whole. i just want some more grace. i just want to trust.

i just want to become.

Freedom, Justice & Independance

the community

Camping (the real kind) is one of the greatest things we can do to really simplify our lives and ourselves. I went camping this weekend with some friends and what really took place was a chance to live as a group, as a community. We cooked our meals together, washed the dishes, talked about our lives, mentioned ideas, shared news, laughed together, teased each other, spent hours in the woods hiking, canoed as a team and for a moment just existed. Nothing else mattered but this moment in time. In all of this I caught a glimpse of something I had been longing for. I saw how the Body of Christ should function. A community life without reservation, judgments and assumptions. While roughing it for the weekend, we saw our flaws, our fears and our strengths. With no extra "noise" of life added in we were able to talk, listen and love. I desperately wish I had more opportunities like this in my life. The ability to walk alongside others through life is beautiful. We were made for this kind of community. God created us this way. Aside from His Son and Grace, true community may be one of the greatest gifts He gave us.

The Fab Four

Oh I just want to say that Catherine Jackson, Lacey Champion and Heather McHale always bring a smile to my face and a drink to my hand! Love ya ladies and thanks for a great weekend!!

skdgdoitsjdiothe94-hkiyiu

So I spend most of my day annoyed at small things. I used to not be always annoyed but nowadays I am. Frustrations come from my job. I work with kids mainly youth 11-15. Amazingly they do not irritate me. It's more of the lack of communication from people at camp and the constant change in schedule. I mean really do we have to change the schedule 56 times before lunch? Do we have to always be making stuff up as "fillers" because the supplies are not available like we were told? Then I get annoyed with everything around me in South Bend, Indiana. Look I can't explain it but I feel like I am suffocating. A change is needed in location and direction of my life. A change will come soon or I will probably lose my mind. Or slit a wrist.

What is it that you fear the most? -Coach Carter

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”

– Nelson Mandela

Paschal Times....

On the train to Chicago.

Heather & P ready for Chicago style pizza!

We are in Millenium Park, Chicago. The "bean".

P, Roxy & Elysia (my BFF and second mother!)

So my Irish friend from Ireland (of course) was here in the US for a month he spent 5 days with me in Indiana! Good times we had! It was so great to have him stateside and tooling around the Midwest with him. He got to meet some of my friends, spend a day in Chicago, experience American "Irish" Pubs and stimulate the economy! I met him a while ago in Ireland (Jan 2007) and when I came back in the fall we became fast friends and he took me all over Ireland while I spent 5 sweet months there so it was an awesome pleasure to take around my original stomping grounds. Yeah we had some good times and I am sad he has gone back but.....now it's my turn for a visit and we know what that means......ireland again!!

gdogjdogh tu-[osr=t9 egj!!!

i am so frustrated and restless. and it is no one's fault but my own. i am trying to fix this but i feel so stuck and nailed down. no one should feel this way. i am praying at least i think i am and well no answers yet just the idea to go somewhere but where? i just need to jump in but i feel like my feet are cemented and i feel clueless as to a direction.....damn it....help me God please!

my thought for the moment

Life is full of questions often without answers. It sucks yet it keeps you humble and then awestruck as the answer slowly unwinds. Do you think God intended it to be this way? I am leaning towards yes because it keeps you rooted in your trust for Him as you realize that you are not God and are not in control. And this is what makes life exciting and full of surprises....total and utter dependance on Him......landing in grace.....

for real?

florida is in the running of places to live.....i never would have even thought about this as a candidate but now it is...randomly.....it would be a risk to go and even bigger risk to try something almost comfortble yet out of the "zone"...basically my dad was in florida last week with a lot ot brethren people (cool ones) and Miguel randomly had me come to mind about working with the "jovenes" (youth) in florida, helping to run the literacy program and do soccer leagues. most of them speak spanish and while i am capable of doing this, it's scary. it's risky. this thought has not left me alone for 5 days now....

earthquake!

So Friday April 18, 2008 the Midwest was rocked with an earthquake. Yes IL had one and we felt it in South Bend, Indiana. I went through my very first earthquake. Granted, it was way minor but my bed was shaking. So here is my story....My alarm went off at 5:30 am. I hit the snooze. Not really asleep but wishing I was. Alarm goes off again, I hit snooze then my bed starts shaking. Yes, my bed was shaking. And I think to myself, why is my bed shaking? Am I imaging this? Are we having an earthquake? No we don't have those here but I guess this is what it would feel like. My grandma said that they had one once when my mom was little. A small one. I then realize that my bed has stopped shaking. So I get up and get around for for work. I enter the living room and my mom asks, "Did you feel the earthquake?" Jaw drop. What? Yes breaking news, Indiana had an earthquake and that was the big news of the day. This is probably the most exciting this that has happened in ages around here. I later find out the epicenter was not far from where my friend in Illinois lives and that she had slept through the first one. And missed the second one altogether--distracted by a cat. Her words to me: "I feel jipped! Illinois has an earthquake and I miss them both." But we can both now check off 'earthquake' on our things in life to experience.

Restlessness....

I am once again restless and ready to go somewhere....anywhere..... While I am traveling this weekend for a long overdue visit to OH, I fear it will not be satisfying to my restless soul. Some days I am so okay with Indiana but other days I just want to leave this and go somewhere, a place where no one knows my name. I am reading the book Into the Wild and Chris McCandless did just that. He left home and went west. He assumed a new name and choose to lose his identity as Chris. He spent time traveling up and down the west coast before going to Alaska. But he just went and didn't look back. I know this is extreme thinking and an extreme thing to do but wow what risk and passion! What devotion to live life fully. So here is what I have decide to do. I am staying in Indiana for now. At least through September. However, if my current situation continues to chisel away slowly at my soul, I have to leave before it dies completely. There are a lot of exciting things happening here with my family and friends. Even work is pretty exciting (most days) but I am not convinced I am to be here. I am not convinced that I am living up to my fullest potential. And I know the adventure is not over. It's like I am stuck in slow traffic on the interstate. Maybe I am to be here but as of now, I dream of something more.

The 3 Day Walk Against Breast Cancer

On August 8th, 2008, thousands of women and men will unite in Chicago, IL and walk 60 miles in 3 days through the streets of the Windy City, with one goal in mind: to help END breast cancer. The Breast Cancer 3-Day is a weekend of hope, as we honor lives lost, celebrate survivors, promote breast cancer research and help bring breast cancer care to those who so desperately need it.

I am walking. My best friend and I are walking together. We will join women from all over the Midwest who are also commiting to this adventure and challenge.

As part of our commitment we have agreed to raise a minimum of $2,200 each, to help fight breast cancer. Net proceeds from the Breast Cancer 3-Day event benefit Susan G. Komen for the Cure to fund breast cancer research, education, screening and treatment programs, as well as the National Philanthropic Trust Breast Cancer Fund, to provide an endowment for breast cancer initiatives.

Why am I walking? Breast Cancer effects thousands of women (and men) each year. When I was 17 my Grammie died from the disease. She was an amazing women who worked hard and loved life. She still had many years left to live but they were tragically cut short. I am walking in memory of her. I am walking so other women can enjoy their lives to the fullest. I am walking to find a cure.

If you would like more information about the Breast Cancer 3-Day, it can be found at http://07.the3day.org/ or by calling 800.996.3DAY.

Unfortunately, breast cancer has become an all too common occurrence among women and men throughout the world. Now is the time to take action to help end this disease. The more funds that we can raise, the sooner we can end this fight. To donate, please go to http://www.the3day.org/ webpage, click on ‘donate’ and type in my full name.

Thank you for taking the time to support me as I boldly walk 60 miles with the hope of giving all women a chance at a full, long life.

Road Trip

The much anticipated road trip to NJ and NY came and went. Good times! Lacey, Heather and I left at 3:45 am and drove to Ben's place. Got there and Mark was there, then Ben and Jon came! Our only connection? Ireland. Amazing how 3 years ago, we didnt really know each other nor ourselves. Now, quality friends! Yes the craic was mighty! lol We went to the St. Patty's parade, explored New York City twice, climbed rocks and hills in state parks, ate at Red Lobster where Ben works and surprised him, made good friends with Jackson, drank beer, talked much, played games and just enjoyed the company. Good times! Can't wait for another trip! Yes, I say it again, the craic was mighty!

PS Most random moment, when Jackson at the parade said "Aaarrgg!" Only Lacey, Heather and I know the meaning! haha Vegas!!!

update on my life--fo-rizzle!

Oh my life!! It's great! So it has been awhile but let me hit on a new change in my life as well as my new project.

***I got a job at the YMCA working with the Before & After School Experience Program (BASE). I did this before Ireland last year and loved it. I heard there was a job opening at the Y for another position which was being put on hold. But the next day, the position for the BASE Program opened up, I got a call for it and the following Monday I started. It was sudden and random but rather good. I still work at the Main Street Pub currently just on the weekends until summer. I like it there but I needed a job more rewarding and worthwhile than just giving instant gratification to paying customers. So I have been back with the Y for 1.5 weeks thus far and I love it! The kids are great and we have a good time. Since I hadn't worked there is so long I had forgotten my love for the game Sharks & Minnows, the taste of kool-aid and coloring! Glad they are back in my life!

***Spring Break Trip....to NJ and St. Patty's in NY. I am road trippin' it with Lacey and Heather. We are staying at Ben's, hanging with Sput and going to St. Patricks Day in NY with Mark. Basically its going to rock out and be some good craic! No lies! Then later that week we plan on going to the NJ shore and chillin like villains! lol

***New Project***August 8-10, 2008. I am joining thousands of women across the Midwest and joining together to make the 60 mile walk around Chicago. Our reason: to raise support and awareness about breast cancer and essentially to eliminate it all together. We are walking to find a cure. I am walking with my best friend Elysia and the training for a 60 mile walk has begun! There will be information coming soon about how you personally can get involved to help find a cure for a disease that effects so many women and men each year.

gjpb w0e3r8sgftk

a new post is long over due....so look for it come wednesday...gives me something to look forward to all around...true story. AND 2 weeks till a road trip with Lacey and Heather! Watch out east coast, here we come!!

where i work...

Jolene is extremely tired....but tips were great tonight! $140 on a Saturday night! Cheers! And I have worked two 13 hour days (Thursday & Friday) with equal results! However, I think I am going to take a YMCA job and stay at the Main St Pub during the day and then Saturday night---especially if the nights are like this....and they are only going to get better!!! The Main St Pub in South Bend is the place to be...for-rizzle!

Ireland called today!

A good surprise this morning, Joe Ryan called me all the way from Ireland to wish me a Happy V-Day. He said he tried yesterday but only got voicemail (i was at work). So we talked for a few and it made my day! So I am not bitter anymore contrary to yesterday's post. haha

Happy Sad Bastard's Day--Joe Ryan

I am all alone on V-Day once again. I know it's perhaps a hallmark day or whatever you want to call it but really? Alone again? Thats a least 10 years running with no Valentine. I am bitter. Not going to lie! As Joe Ryan said about New Year's Day, well it can apply to today. "Happy Sad Bastard's day!" Now, I am going to go drink a beer and eat chocolate.

On a better note, tomarrow is a new day! Lacey and Heather are coming to town and we are picking up Rensberger and going to a concert AND I dont have to work tomarrow. Good thing tips were decent today!! :)

the wellie boot saga --part 2

So long ago and by long ago I mean yesterday, the young girl who lost the wellie boot bank began her search outside of the house. She bundled up against the cold winds and snow and drove through trecherous streets towards the Goodwill on Ireland Road. She enters the building anxiously and was greeted by the smell of musty piss. She hastily headed towards the shelves stacked with glassware and ceramic items. She searched those shelves 5 times with no luck. Then she asked a Goodwill worker who suggested that it was either bought (NO!!!) or had been sent on to the main Goodwill store in town. I leave the musty, old, stinky Goodwill and made my way into the west, into the unstable side of town. Take two. I enter cautiously and began the grueling search one more time. No luck. The wellie boot bank is gone. I return home sadden but pretending to be happy for my parents sake. They feel bad but then my dad is convinced that they did no such thing as to send my stuff to charity. He is convinced that a year from now, the wellie boot bank and the other items will turn up in some random place inside the house. So this is a cold case that may never be solved. For now it is closed. Stay tuned a year from now to see if there is a part 3....

the wellie boot saga --part 1

So long long ago, last january, a lovely girl heads to the emerald isle where she will spend a month living there with friends. During that AMAZING stay, she decides that she needs to be here in the comiing fall for as long as possible. Now near the end of her trip, she goes out to lunch and does some shopping with her good friend Brenda. While tooling around town, they stumble upon a cute boutique and inside this shop are ceramic wellie boot banks. Now lets pause and allow me to explain two things. One, I Love Wellies!!! And two, wellie boots are rubber boots that go up to the knees over your pants and you can wear them to work outside without getting all dirty. Anyway, this lovley girl finds a ceramic blue one complete with orange trimming and pink flowers. Brenda convinces her to buy it for the memories and as a place to save all her pennnies for Ireland in the fall. So this girl purchases it hesitantly. Five days later I am on the plane heading for home. 5 weeks later, the wellie bank is filled with change all for Ireland. 5 months later, the wellie is a conversation piece and major part of my life, I had fallen in love with it. For my 5 months back in Ireland, I left the wellie boot bank in America. And 5 weeks before returning to the states and before my parents moved, the blue ceramic wellie boot with pink flowers and orange trim, accidently got sent to Goodwill. After 5 weeks of relentless searching and unpacking, tomarrow I am headed to Goodwill on Ireland Road (ironic, yeah?) to search for my wellie boot. To be continued......

.....lets waste time, chasing cars........

if i lay here, if i just lay here.

would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Chasing Cars--Snow Patrol

bbbrrrrr-nes and aloneness

Okay so I got a job! Yay!! But due to the cold snap and sub zero temps and snow....I am not going to get to start working today! Grrr.....I have pretty much been alone now fo 3 weeks...alone during the day with not to much to do. After unpacking my room and cleaning it, I was stuck for ideas. I read and did little random things but geez.....I was looking forward to traveling MI for training and riding in the car with new people. So yeah, the only perk to today is that my mommy is home. She had a snow day at school too. Tomarrow back to being alone throughout the day....just me and the dog. And then Friday hopefully I will get to work....but we are going to get 5-6 inches of snow Friday with more random weather. It's so weird being in a house alone when you always had people around ya for like in Ireland. Ohh community....good jazz.....

101 American uses for the hurling stick

So some of my family and friends came over Saturday evening and decided that they had better ideas for how to use a hurl other than for the sport. This is what they came up with...some of them....there probably where 101!

-A child beater

-The paddle you use when you are up a creek without one

-A cake beater

-Dirty sock removal

-Guitar or banjo

-Pizza pie remover

-Fly swatter

-Husband beater

-Wife beater

-Golf club

-Doggie-doo scooper

Create bunch of people aren't they? I love my family of Yanks!

last week.....almost brutal

So I have been back in the states for a little over a week now. Wow....a week ago I was in another country. Crazy huh? So the transition back has not been super easy. I am living with my parents for now and they are really cool people but with the stress of my dad losing his job and the new house...let's just say i cried twice last week (and i never cry). And everything seems big...the cars, the stores....Integrating back with my friends has been fun. Elysia has helped make this last week bearable and with Lacey just a call away, the social life hasn't sucked to bad! I went to church on Sunday with my grandpa. Church was very "churchy" and "fluffy". I went because I was his escort to the deacon luncheon. Yeah...I still don't think I am too much of a fan of church on Sunday. It was "nice" and freakishly overwhelming all the same time. I hate being the "new" person or "outsider". Luckily 2 people from my old church are attending there now since the whole situation with my dad at his church. But yeah church...Starbucks with friends on Sunday? Now we are talking! Furthermore the job hunt has begun...I hate this process especially when you know you have no money and no one seems to be hiring and you cannot exactly decide what you want to do. I have 2 apps to check up on tomorrow....However, it will be okay. It's all a part of what's next, whatever the hell that may be. Oh and I went running this morning....i had to run inside! It's so cold here that being outside is torture! I went to the YMCA and the whole time I kept thinking about "the road". The road I lived on in Ireland was great! The morning conversations with people on the road while I was running....yeah I miss that. Jackie, Joe, Brendan, Emma, Anne....yeah you know! So through all this last week, one thing I have learned: I am still learning. The "I am still learning" quote was made by Michelangelo at age 86 or 87.....humility right there. Mark gave us a wall hanging with that on it and it's hung in my room.....and the statement is so true. I am still learning in all areas. Learning to do life, knowing that I don't have the answers and just taking it one step at a time. So I am still learning and now I am still learning how to adjust to this country while not losing what I gained in Ireland. It's wrecking my head....

the U.S. of A.

So I am back to the US and well it's the same as I left it. A few things have changed since I've returned but hey this next step will be a feckin adventure! So yeah I miss Ireland hardcore....anyways, proper tribute with last week in Ireland updates will follow here soon. As always----cheers Ireland! Now the journey continues......

Wesport with Paschal!!

Monday Paschal and I caught the train to Westport, a lovely town on the western coast. This is our third excursion out together and each time I think they get more enjoyable. Neither had any clue about Westport except that Crough Patrick, the sacred mountain of St. Patrick where he fasted for 40 days & Matt Malloy's Pub were there. Once in Westport we grabbed a cab and headed for the mountain. We climbed up a ways until we saw a sign saying "Poison Laid". Yeah what does that mean? Good time to climb down. Our cabbie said it's a warning about poison possibly being on the field to protect the sheep from dogs. It's more a warning for the owners of dogs. We then explored an Abbey and the Hunger Famine Monument. Oh we ate lunch in a coffee shop and this older man started talking to me. This is what I remember from our conversation. His birthday is Jan 3 (day before mine), he is a family friend of Matt Molloy (member of the Chieftains) and he only knows Boston (that's all most Irish know). Later P and I went to Matt Molloy's---and it was the most homey pub I have ever been to! Very cozy...cheers Matt! So the day was good and fulfilling. I am going to miss Paschal when I leave here. He's a good man.

A Sunday Drive to the North--High Crosses & Belfast

Snow Fall in Ireland--Very Uncommon--Birthday Snow for Me

New Year's Day

To celebrate the arrival of 2008, we spent the day at Lough Key Forest Park. We fed ducks and swans, climbed trees, hiked some trails and hung out as a group. Matthew's friend Jonathan from Galway was down as well as a family friend named Brendan who is also from Galway. I was very enjoyable and a great start to the new year!

Ceili Nights

Ceili (pronounced kay-lee) is a social gathering with dancing set to Irish music. Last weekend, I went to my first Ceili and spent 3 hours dancing to Irish music! Very cool and sweaty. Erika came with me and when we first walked in, we were the only people under the age of 60.....but then about 5 other younger people came! lol Anyway, all of the dances happen in couples and four couples stand together to form a square or box. Then the music starts and sometimes you dance as a group, sometimes as a couple and sometimes individually. I had no clue how to dance these dances but the first gentleman that asked me to dance just told me to keep laughing and it will be grand! So I laughed and danced and I didn't do to bad. The dances aren't hard and were pretty easy to pick up on. After 2 hours of dancing there was tea break.....we are all hot and sweaty and the Irish are the only people I know that would want a hot cup of tea after 2 hours of dancing! That's why I love them! Oh the music was incredible! Everyone seemed to know the dances before the music even began. Traditional music, traditional dance. Mighty craic! it was!!

Happy New Year!

2008...where the heck did last year go? 2007 was a great year and 2008 is already proving to be an adventure as I have no clue about what will happen this year. I leave Ireland in 13 days (insert sad face) and I am returning to Indiana to a new house. My parents decided to move houses while I have been here and I have no idea what this new place looks like. I also will need to find a new job. Usually when a new year comes around, I have a general idea what the year may look like--this year it is a complete blank. And that cool. I am only staying at my parents house long enough to save some money and move out but where, I dunno. I may return to school to get my teaching license. But which school? I dunno. Many people freak out with living in a realm of uncertainty. I like it. Think about it, with nothing set in stone, I can choose to venture wherever I want. I can pick to move to any state. Or any country. Mark & Brenda are also in a similar state. They are returning to the states but where they will land or work is also a mystery. They have some leads and possibilities but nothing definite--yet another realm of uncertainty. Yes all of our worlds seem to be turning upside down. But with the year of 2008 so wide open, I think this may the best year yet. At least very adventurous as mysteries get solved and uncertainty becomes clarity.